My Week In Music: She Whined, “Where’s the Wine?”

I’ve been drinking a lot of wine lately. This is partly because the world is falling apart (on a micro and macro level), but mostly in anticipation of (read: in preparation for) my guest appearance in my friend Chris’s show, Chris Tries to Review Wine Live!, tomorrow. Because extensive pregaming practice makes perfect!

So, here are some great songs about wine. Well, really just songs that mention wine in a lyric or two, because hey, fun fact, there aren’t too many songs exclusively about wine. For shame, music industry. For shame.

The Pierces, “Boy in a Rock and Roll Band” from Thirteen Tales of Love and Revenge (2007)

The Pierces are far better known (if they’re known at all) for the first track of this 2007 album, “Secret,” which serves as the theme song of Pretty Little Liars. Speaking of which, you know how Broad City debuted around the time Girls started sucking? Pretty Little Liars has gotten hella weird in its last season, but that’s okay because Riverdale exists and is basically everything Pretty Little Liars wished it could have been. Of course, any television show about teenagers dealing with murder is ultimately very offensive to Veronica Mars. Anyway. “Boy in a Rock and Roll Band” is a retro-sounding song that I listened to a lot in my early 20s and I’ve never quite been able to shake the lyric, I forget I’m a lady, I’ve had too much wine. (Sidebar: I believe this is the title of a Facebook album from my junior year of college. Sigh. Nostalgia.)

Laura Nyro, “Stoned Soul Picnic” from Eli and the Thirteenth Confession (1968)

I don’t understand most of this song, probably because it epitomizes a certain mentality and its associated allusions popular in the late 60s. Although the lyrics probably reflect the title, because They’ll be lots of time and wine, red, yellow, honey, sassafras, and moonshine are words only a very stoned person would write and/or be able to fully comprehend. But it’s a groovy, laid-back jam, and I’m a fan of Nyro’s vocals. I actually prefer her recording of “Stoney End,” which is perhaps better known as a Barbra Streisand song.

Three Dog Night, “Joy to the World” from Naturally (1970)

YUP. I went there. I never understood a single word he said, but I helped him drink his wine. And he always had some mighty fine wine. I don’t want to ruin this track by saying anything else other than that it should have been included in My Week In Music: Dance This Mess Around. Also, I vaguely adopted a frog last summer and named him Jeremiah for obvious reasons, although I thought it was very clever at the time (I was probably drunk). Okay, now I’m done.

Queen, “Killer Queen” from Sheer Heart Attack (1974)

In Dance This Mess Around, I wrote that if I ever get married, I want to walk down the aisle to either David Bowie’s “Queen Bitch” or David Bowie and Queen singing “Under Pressure,” but this track has also crossed my mind as a viable option (for something that will probably never be a decision I have to make). This song doesn’t mention wine, but champagne (we’re getting all kinds of fancy and technical now) in the first line: She keeps Moet et Chandon in her pretty cabinet, let them eat cake, she says, just like Marie Antoinette.

Venus Hum, “Pink Champagne” from The Colors in the Wheel (2006)

If we’re going to switch to champagne anyway…although to be fair, my cardinal rule of drinking is “never mix, never worry,” which I stole from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? by Edward Albee. I first heard this song in the very early days of Pandora during my first semester of college, but hadn’t listened to it until brainstorming songs for this post. It’s funny how taste (whether in wine or music) doesn’t always change that much over the course of a decade and change. I’m sipping straight and you’re pink champagne. Yeah, I’m still into it.

And, an appropriately self-aware tongue-in-cheek bonus track: The New Pornographers, “The Slow Descent into Alcoholism” from Mass Romantic (2000)

But really. Who isn’t slowly descending into alcoholism given what’s going on in this country right now? People (especially millennials) are drinking more than ever. (Things that I might be making up but am pretty sure I’ve seen multiple headlines about.) And remember: if you don’t want to drink alone, come see Chris Tries to Review Wine Live! tomorrow, Friday, May 12th at 8:00 pm at the PIT Loft.