Romantic Résumé

Objective

Vaguely insecure but charmingly self-deprecating artsy-type seeks creatively-inclined adult male (human), preferably steadily employed, in the New York City area for something in between a one-night-stand/friends-with-benefits situation and a full-blown, instant relationship. (This is possibly called “dating,” a retro trend that apparently died out around 2008.) Alcoholics, narcissists, misogynists, mansplainers, doctors, codependents, neo-Nazis, or any combination of the aforementioned need not apply.

Testimonials

“Wonderfully acerbic.”

“Very Hannah Horvath (IN A GOOD WAY).”

“Kate doesn’t need to play Pokémon Go. She lives it.”

“Big hair, bigger mouth.”

“Delightfully insufferable.”

“Perpetually grumpy, but, you know, in a charming way.”

Relationship History

[Redacted]

Special Skills, etc.

Eye rolling.

Great impression of an anhedonic Annie Hall: “blah-di-blah, blah-di-blah.”

Calling out yonic and/or phallic symbolism.

Taking pictures of couples making out in public.

Scarily good at remembering random people’s birthdays.

Irrational, yet pervasive, fear of Pinocchio.

Inappropriately diagnosing people with psychiatric disorders.

Former unrequited love addict.

Bringing sick friends mimosas in lieu of chicken soup.

Making up words and phrases including, but not limited to:

  • hippiesplaining
  • bipolar vortex
  • “Where’s the wine,” she whined.
  • perfuckery/perfucktion
  • “If brevity is the soul of wit, then velocity is its brain.”
  • “Nothing was beautiful and everything hurt.”
  • “Love, hugs, and muffin baskets full of rainbows.”

Solid GIF game.

Potential Memoir Titles

I Hate Everything and So Can You

Well, This Is Unpleasant

Kate Densen: A Poorly Written Sitcom

Plus Frittatas (This is actually the name of my eventual all-girl punk band, but I stuck it in this section because why not.)

Achievements

Broke own arm while tripping over own foot at age 10.

Gave self a black eye after bolting awake in the middle of the night and dropped phone on own face while trying to see what time it was.

Voted “Most Impatient” and “Talks Most, Says Least” in high school yearbook.

Creator/host of My Week In Tinder, a podcast about online dating that you will probably be featured on before we even meet.